Welcome, 2020. It’s good to meet you at last! It’s weird to think that the last ten years have passed with so many changes. Yet looking back now, it almost feels like the time between 2010 and 2020 took place in the blink of an eye!
I couldn’t start blogging again without a post about the last decade. Even though as I write this I barely even know where to start. I’ll still be doing my usual year in review, but it’s going to be nice to gloss over the last ten years. Especially as my 20s have been a crazy ride. I turned 30 in December too, so I suppose this is a post reflecting that big change as well!
Settle in – this is going to be a long post..!
I began blogging in 2011, just as I was graduating university. This feels like just yesterday. I still sometimes find photos of my university days. One photo, in particular, there’s me and my newly dyed red hair, in the back of the car as my parents and I made the seven-hour journey from Luton to Sunderland. I remember my feelings so clearly at this time. I was nervous – but excited – to start a new chapter of my life and didn’t know what to expect. It would be the first time I genuinely had some real independence. Especially having grown up super close to my parents and living in the same childhood home all my life. My days of university certainly helped me find myself. But when I graduated in 2011, it was really just the beginning of my 20s.
It’s funny, how I’m experiencing the same thing at the moment, beginning my 30s with another big home move…
Timing
Once I graduated, I left an unhealthy relationship, moved back home and sort of found myself stuck for a while. I struggled to find a job, despite having a degree under my belt. And I struggled to convert back to the feeling of living back underneath my parents’ watchful eyes. But if there’s anything these past ten years have taught me, it’s that more often than not timing is essential – yes – but it cannot be rushed. I took my time in my 20s. This meant I took my time to find a job,. Ten I spent probably four or five years working in and out of retail before I finally found a ‘proper’ job related to my degree.
I spent five years single, firstly swearing off of men and all relationships, before slowly learning to be okay alone. Although I then ended up in yet another unhealthy relationship, I hadn’t quite learned my own worth. I was still scared to be alone when it all fell apart.
Loss
I think this was probably much related to losing my mum when I was 25. Her death was something that was entirely unexpected. It’s something that I’ll never get over. So I began to grab onto any love I could get and hold tight. I didn’t care that I wasn’t treated properly. As long as there was someone to ‘love’ me, I didn’t even think about my own worth.
I don’t often talk about my wonderful mum on this blog. I don’t want the idea of my loss to be used for sympathy, page views or anything else. It was a really tough time in my life. Even now it sometimes feels tougher as things change and life goes on. I have never really accepted her death properly and don’t think I ever will. Often, I feel like she’s just on holiday somewhere far far away. But one thing I have learned to do is appreciate how much time I did have with her.
So I am grateful that I had 25 amazing years with mum. We had our ups and downs and I was definitely a Daddy’s girl growing up, but in the later years of our relationship, we got on so well. I mean, you can never really replace your mum. A mum and daughter relationship is so special so I don’t really feel the need to explain the relationship we had. So as hard as it was (and as hard as it’s going to be going into this new chapter of my life without her being here with me) – I am grateful for the time we had together.
Being Selfish
I was also selflessly selfish in my (early) 20s – and I don’t regret it one bit! My first retail job meant I was earning a fair income for the first time ever – and my job, as much as I loved it and as much as it was challenging (if you count being on your feet all day, dealing with difficult customers and having about seven rails of clothes to clear every evening as challenging), definitely let me indulge in my social life more than anything. I could go out two or three nights a week and roll into work the next day, hungover and only on three hours sleep. I’d share tales of the night before with my colleagues – funny stories that had happened to us or the boys I’d kissed.
I didn’t think about my future or saving money at this point – I just wanted to have fun. I got to travel too – not as much as I wanted to, but being able to selfishly put money towards trips to places like Mexico, America, Copenhagen, Amsterdam, Berlin etc is something I’m glad I got to do in my 20s whilst I had no responsibilities!
Blogging
Blogging came into this. I said yes to every event I could – I fondly remember being a VIB (Very Important Blogger) at Bloggers Fashion Week, and excitingly taking photos on the balcony overlooking London’s Leicester Square. I remember partying and mingling with low-key celebrities at an awesome bloggers event at The Hoxton in London – and embarrassingly following the after-party with one Made in Chelsea member to another club afterwards and getting so drunk that I passed out on the train home, overslept my alarm and could only think of the excuse ‘I was mugged. I’m fine but someone took my purse and phone whilst I was asleep on the tube’ for missing work one day. I could never imagine doing that now! I made blogging friends, received blogging freebies and had more amazing collaborations and opportunities than I can even count.
Though in recent years I’ve not made it to many events (or crazy nights out), I’m still proud of how far my blog has come. Along with a great name change and quite a few different layouts, my blog has been my absolute baby these last ten (well nine, really) years – and probably will be. As I start a new chapter of my life, my content may shift a little, but there will always be the same relatable tone of voice from a real humble girl behind the screen.
Friendship
Friendship is a tough one. I have never been great at making – or keeping – friends. I am sometimes a little too selfish when it comes to friendships. Although I’ve met some amazing friends in the last ten years, I’ve also lost some amazing relationships too.
Luckily, the majority of friendships can be restored. My best friend Amy and I had a huge falling out on one holiday. It’s easy to blame that for our friendship never being quite the same – but she also moved away to settle down and have a baby. Our life, naturally, went in completely different directions. But we still spea and we are still friends. It just means our friendship is less about downing Sambuca shots on crazy nights out (and sometimes nights that lasted until the next afternoon too!), and more about how her beautiful little boy is, how I am now moving house and how, we hope, we’ll be living closer together sometime soon.
My 20s taught me that friendships are often forged over funny conversations in club bathrooms and or by blogging and engaging away on Twitter – and some of them end – but many of them just merge into a different and new friendship as you grow up and priorities change. That’s the beauty of friendship.
Music
Music has always been a huge part of my life. But having the time and money to indulge in that area of my life properly in my 20s led to a lot of fun times! I’ve been to more gigs than I can even remember, met loads of great people through gigs and even admittedly became a borderline groupie at some point. Just kidding! I didn’t sleep with any band members. But you can bet I followed them around on tour and ended up in their social circle!
My relationship with music and bands may one day lead to a few great stories to tell the grandkids. But going on a night out with my favourite American band and dancing with the lead singer in the basement of a jazz bar in Brighton is certainly a story right up there. There has also been many years of music festivals. Boomtown, Slam Dunk and Reading are festivals I’ll still be attending throughout my 30s without a doubt!
…And Everything Else
I’m going to be honest with you – turning 30 wasn’t the huge ‘glow up’ I expected. When I was younger, I wanted to be settled down and married when I was 30. I wanted a huge party with hundreds of friends. I, of course, imagined celebrating my 30th with my mum still around. There’s a lot not perfect about my life right now. I have learned to love myself more these past ten years and gain confidence in myself. But I’d lying if I told you I was happy with the way my body looks right now.
At the moment, I don’t own a car. I haven’t travelled as much as I’ve wanted to, and I’m petrified of the next ten years going by so quickly and waking up one day to find I no longer have the time or resources to take that trip to Bali or Japan or Roswell or Canada or Mexico again or a road trip across all of America..! Also, I still need to learn to put friendships first sometimes and make more effort with my social life. I can still be a really shy person and I can still sulk like a complete b*tch when I don’t get my own way.
But there’s also a lot I’ve been proud of between 2010 and now. I’m mostly proud of the fact that I survived to reach 30. Because I’m so god damn clumsy and convinced I would have gotten run over or something before now, haha! But in all seriousness – I graduated. I survived two horrible breakups – and managed, with time, to move on from the bitter feelings I had and I’m even on good terms with one of my exes. Finally, I passed my driving test (fourth time, lol). Getting my break in journalism – and becoming a Magazine Editor. Plus I got a column in a magazine.
I started burlesque dancing (and performed in a burlesque show!). I travelled. I’ve travelled solo. I’ve been vegan. I finally got my first NYE kiss. I’ve lived (briefly) alone and have just moved into my first (rented) house with my boyfriend. I’ve got piercings and tattoos..in conclusion, it’s been a crazy, sometimes heartbreaking, often selfish but always living-in-the-moment decade (does that make sense?) and I’m excited to see what 2020 will bring.
How about you?
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